Good evening lovely people, I am back from ghost town!
Although it might seem like just yesterday for me, I am aware I have not been as involved with the blog as I promised to be. My last post was definitely written forever ago. Everything was going well for me up until this past month where my walls came crashing down. A lot of people do not know, and those who do are not entirely well informed on my battle with depression. I began dealing with depression at a very young age, it’s quite sad to say but the entire feeling in itself seems all too familiar to me. I do plan on making a post going more in detail about how I developed my anxiety and depression, and how I’ve managed all this time because I do believe that there are many people out there that seek advice or understanding and if they happen to stumble upon this blog I would love to reassure them and let them know that there are people just like them dealing with the same feelings, emphasizing on the fact that they are never alone. I know that I am a walking contradiction, but for the most part I like to believe that I am a very positive person. I like to spread positivity and light everywhere I go simply because it brings me joy and it helps me cope with whatever it is I am dealing with that day. So every day I will try to be the happiest I can be, whether it be for my customers, my friends, my family – anyone.
(Warning: extremely long and cheesy post down below)
The last five years have been a roller coaster for sure, the best way to describe the type of depression I’ve been dealing with is that it all comes down in waves. One day I’ll be the happiest version of myself, and the next I’ll be drowning in my misery. I can go weeks with being happy and wake up one day feeling extremely lonely or scared. It’s hard because I surprise myself sometimes and I never know how the next day is going to feel. Last year, Kathy introduced me to a song called “Comes and Goes (2013 remake)” by Greg Laswell – by far the saddest song I’ve heard in my life. A sane person will hear it and think nothing of it, but since we were both going through it around the same time, that song became the anthem for the year 2014.
“It comes and goes in waves”
When someone asks me how I manage, that is always my answer. It simply comes and it goes, and I’ve learned to cope. Pulling y’all back into more recent times, Kathy’s 19th birthday was about two weeks ago, the girls and I had planned to celebrate the weekend with her, they rented the hotel and everything was ready to pull through – except for me.
A few hours before her birthday dinner I got into a severe accident that could have been fatal if it weren’t for the grace of God. I swear, I have never felt more scared in my life. My car accident has to top the worst things that has ever happened to me. (Even the time I lost my favorite barbie winter coat back in first grade) To make a very long story short, a girl had cut me off while driving down a busy road and collided into my car, causing me to lose control of my vehicle and swerve onto the opposite side of traffic… which led me to hit a tree.. and another vehicle. My car (graduation gift from my mother) was a total loss. Elbow deep into my steering wheel, I had no idea what was going on, and I truthfully thought I was dead. Unfortunately I had to miss my best friends dinner and birthday rent, which hurt me much more than my head and back injuries. I missed out on a good night with my good friends because of a white girl named Forrest, and yes I am suing. Not only that but I lost my baby that I only had for a little more than a year.
The following days that came after were horrible for me, the pain hit me like a truck. Not only physically but emotionally I was exhausted. The insurance companies were on my case like never before, I’m in the middle of a lawsuit and I was doing everything my attorney was instructing me to do, going to therapy three times a week, I didn’t have a car which put a huge stress toll on my mother, I was missing a lot of work days because I could barely walk (mind you I had just started at my second job) which caused me to stress about my bills and getting fired and blah, blah, blah…
I was truly suffering but mind you, despite the fact that I am an open book, whenever I am going through it I will literally disappear. I distance myself when things get hard because I never want to impose those feelings on anyone else… empathy can be very dangerous for me. Of course my best friends know how I am, and they know that I’m okay even when I’m not okay. They know that I am a strong person and I am capable of getting through my struggles but I will always try to get there on my own. (Thank you Kathy and Edi for checking on me and trying really hard to see me, I love you girls for ever) All in all, I was really dealing with a lot this past month and just now am I starting to ease off the anxiety.
In the time that I was gone and distant, I was able to take a step back and really understand what it was that had happened to me. I could have died in that car accident, but I didn’t. I was blessed to see another day because I have a purpose in this life and I am meant to be here. I have never been so grateful for my life, my friends, for my experiences.. it has been a true eye opener. Which is why it’s important to really take it all in and try to understand why certain things play out the way that they do. I am excited to be back in school because I know this semester is going to be successful for me. I am more excited for this blog and whats to come from it, because I have a lot of ideas and I can’t wait to share them with you guys.
I am simply very happy to be alive.
Sending nothing but positive vibes your way and I hope everyone has a good night and please remember to appreciate what you have, because it all can be taken away from you in a matter of seconds.
Stay dry peepz, the weather sucks